Easing the Knife Out of My Back

Have you ever been betrayed by a friend? We all have, but this week I experienced it again and it hurt deeper than usual. I didn't see it coming and the surprise of it made the wound deeper. I thought I could talk to someone in confidence, but I couldn't. I thought my friend would value our friendship above work. I thought I was safe with a sister in Christ.

When I told her she betrayed me, she told me I ought to learn something from this experience and I did. I learned that I value relationships more than anything. I value friendships above work and goals and getting ahead. And I value others I care about more than myself. That may sound self-righteous, but it has pitfalls. And maybe I've lost the balance. It means I trust too much and sometimes I care too much. That leaves me vulnerable. Vulnerability can lead to heartaches. It means I can get hurt and even punished. It means I am susceptible to being wrong about people. It means I see things so differently and I may not be relating to someone when I think I am. So maybe I'm not in reality at times. I can misjudge someone or some situation. I forgave her in my heart, but our relationship doesn't feel the same.

Yet I know vulnerability is part of being transparent. Being transparent is part of being real with people. Being real with people is part of relational ministry. Relational ministry is part of transforming lives. And I have to be about that.

I'm still trying to get at the final take-away on this experience. All I know now is that it feels empty and leaves me confused. When that happens, I get quiet. I reflect more. I haven't said a lot lately.