Last night, I was really sick and had weird dreams to go along with my virus. I can explain some of it because my mind was pulling out things from the week and mixing them all together. Ellen just spent 4 days at University of Alabama, so in my dream, I was a student there. My dad had died in a car wreck a couple of years earlier (dream) because I had just been to a funeral of someone who died in a car wreck and my father really is gone (and has been for 20 years). In my dream, my mom told me he didn't really die and she had a surprise for me. I looked, and there stood Dad. He was dressed just like he used to be when he was leaving to go teach at the university... camel-colored sports coat, shirt and tie, dark pants, dress shoes. He looked great and I ran to hug him. My heart was so full and I was thrilled he was back. I could literally feel him holding me and how much he loved me.
Then I woke up. And Dad really was gone. And I laid in bed and felt tears rolling down my cheeks... just like they are now. And I wondered how my heart could be so full of joy and sorrow over Daddy after 20 years. I thought about what a loving father he had been and how I always believed I was his favorite. One day I told my sister that I felt like I was Daddy's girl and she said, "Me too." That's an amazing parenting skill - making each child believe she is the favorite.
Then I thought about Pastor Mark's sermon on Sunday - about getting new bodies in heaven and recognizing people and spending time with people we love. Then I realized that what I feel is only a taste of what I will feel in the next life. I will feel deeper joy and no sorrow. I will feel complete love and give complete love. I will enjoy the love of the Lord in His kingdom and never have to long for anything again. Like seeing my Daddy.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
Torture Chamber for A.D.D.
I must have ADD. I can't sit still in a movie without getting bored, so I don't go. I hate to waste time, so I multi-task. I even feel guilty if I sit still doing nothing. I thrive on being productive.
That being said, you can imagine what jury duty does for me. Today, I sat. And sat. And sat. I was crammed into a room with so many people that we could hardly move (special thanks to the court system for propagating the flu and cold viruses in Cobb County, by the way). The rows of chairs were placed so close to each other that when someone wanted out, the whole row had to empty into the aisle. Kind of like being on an airplane - but without the view. Or the cushioned seats. Or the movie.
I'm a networker - a socializer. The woman to my left sat stoically, listening to her ipod and staring straight forward with intensity. I tried to imagine what she could possibly be listening to that would make her so immovable and unsociable! The woman to the right of me sat hunched over her phone, texting everyone in her contact list for hours. I tried to be sure she knew I wasn't peaking at her messages (I tried, but the type was too small), but she made sure by dropping her long hair down over her phone. Subtle.
Knowing myself as I do, I had chosen a seat on the front row by the doorway. I really should say it was almost IN the door like a last minute decision to cram another row in there. I was prepared in case I had to bolt. At least I had the advantage of being entertained by each person who had to come and go to the bathroom.
The highlight of the day was being sworn in by Judge Watson White - who cracked jokes about being age 87 and only assigned really short trials... just in case.
But, I had options to keep myself entertained. There were 5 computers in the back of the room for public use. No, I thought. Major flu virus host. There were magazines in racks on the walls. I was sure every page was covered in germs. I took my own water and book, but I was too disinterested to even try to read. I wrote some advertising copy for a client, but that was complete by 9:15. I had time to write an entire British novel (for those of you not into literature - those are known to be unusually lengthy. I call it "the thud factor". It makes a big sound when you drop it on a table and people think you must be smart for reading it. Thank goodness for Cliff Notes - but how I got through a minor in English Lit is for another blog).
Back to the jury room.
The final blow was receiving a handout asking me if I wanted to donate my big $25 juror fee to a Cobb charity, like the animal shelter. Are you kidding me? You want me to take this torture for free? The dogs and cats in the animal shelter have more room to move than I did - and they get to eat in their space! Sheeesh!
Hey, I'm all for helping animals, but I'm trying to make enough money to send my child to college next year and instead of being out trying to make a consulting fee, I'm sequestered in a hot room with hundreds of people coughing and sniffing. I want my $25! I'm going to need it to pay my doctor's visit deductible.
That being said, you can imagine what jury duty does for me. Today, I sat. And sat. And sat. I was crammed into a room with so many people that we could hardly move (special thanks to the court system for propagating the flu and cold viruses in Cobb County, by the way). The rows of chairs were placed so close to each other that when someone wanted out, the whole row had to empty into the aisle. Kind of like being on an airplane - but without the view. Or the cushioned seats. Or the movie.
I'm a networker - a socializer. The woman to my left sat stoically, listening to her ipod and staring straight forward with intensity. I tried to imagine what she could possibly be listening to that would make her so immovable and unsociable! The woman to the right of me sat hunched over her phone, texting everyone in her contact list for hours. I tried to be sure she knew I wasn't peaking at her messages (I tried, but the type was too small), but she made sure by dropping her long hair down over her phone. Subtle.
Knowing myself as I do, I had chosen a seat on the front row by the doorway. I really should say it was almost IN the door like a last minute decision to cram another row in there. I was prepared in case I had to bolt. At least I had the advantage of being entertained by each person who had to come and go to the bathroom.
The highlight of the day was being sworn in by Judge Watson White - who cracked jokes about being age 87 and only assigned really short trials... just in case.
But, I had options to keep myself entertained. There were 5 computers in the back of the room for public use. No, I thought. Major flu virus host. There were magazines in racks on the walls. I was sure every page was covered in germs. I took my own water and book, but I was too disinterested to even try to read. I wrote some advertising copy for a client, but that was complete by 9:15. I had time to write an entire British novel (for those of you not into literature - those are known to be unusually lengthy. I call it "the thud factor". It makes a big sound when you drop it on a table and people think you must be smart for reading it. Thank goodness for Cliff Notes - but how I got through a minor in English Lit is for another blog).
Back to the jury room.
The final blow was receiving a handout asking me if I wanted to donate my big $25 juror fee to a Cobb charity, like the animal shelter. Are you kidding me? You want me to take this torture for free? The dogs and cats in the animal shelter have more room to move than I did - and they get to eat in their space! Sheeesh!
Hey, I'm all for helping animals, but I'm trying to make enough money to send my child to college next year and instead of being out trying to make a consulting fee, I'm sequestered in a hot room with hundreds of people coughing and sniffing. I want my $25! I'm going to need it to pay my doctor's visit deductible.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Learning from the Tears
Tonight was so exciting. For only the second time since August, I got to babysit for my grandson. I couldn't wait for him to get here and when he woke up and saw us, he played in such a joyful way that my heart melted just hearing him laugh. But, that didn't last long. Just a few minutes after the giggling and laughter, I noticed him sitting in Ellen's lap with his bottom lip stuck out and a frown coming over his cherub face. Uh oh. Here it comes...
Yep, the lip launched more than an hour of screaming and fighting the sleep he needed. I did everything. I rocked. He screamed. I put him in a dark room with music and rested beside him, talking softly. He screamed. I walked with him. He screamed. I tried a teether. He screamed. I gave him the pacifier (a misnomer tonight). The pattern continued. I checked his diaper. I gave him something to drink. He was not just crying. He was crying hard - and loudly. My heart broke. I couldn't seem to help him.
As I stood in the dark, swaying back and forth with my precious grandson swaddled in a blanket in my arms, I thought, "No matter what, I love you." And God spoke to my heart quickly and clearly, "That's how I feel about you. Even when you go kicking and screaming because I want you to do something you don't want to do. Even when you cry over something. Even when you don't want to cooperate and aren't acting very sweet and lovable. My love never changes. You are just as precious to Me when you're fussy as when you're laughing. The way you behave has no effect on how I feel."
I think tonight I figured out what unconditional love means. As I gave it, I experienced it.
Yep, the lip launched more than an hour of screaming and fighting the sleep he needed. I did everything. I rocked. He screamed. I put him in a dark room with music and rested beside him, talking softly. He screamed. I walked with him. He screamed. I tried a teether. He screamed. I gave him the pacifier (a misnomer tonight). The pattern continued. I checked his diaper. I gave him something to drink. He was not just crying. He was crying hard - and loudly. My heart broke. I couldn't seem to help him.
As I stood in the dark, swaying back and forth with my precious grandson swaddled in a blanket in my arms, I thought, "No matter what, I love you." And God spoke to my heart quickly and clearly, "That's how I feel about you. Even when you go kicking and screaming because I want you to do something you don't want to do. Even when you cry over something. Even when you don't want to cooperate and aren't acting very sweet and lovable. My love never changes. You are just as precious to Me when you're fussy as when you're laughing. The way you behave has no effect on how I feel."
I think tonight I figured out what unconditional love means. As I gave it, I experienced it.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Easing the Knife Out of My Back
Have you ever been betrayed by a friend? We all have, but this week I experienced it again and it hurt deeper than usual. I didn't see it coming and the surprise of it made the wound deeper. I thought I could talk to someone in confidence, but I couldn't. I thought my friend would value our friendship above work. I thought I was safe with a sister in Christ.
When I told her she betrayed me, she told me I ought to learn something from this experience and I did. I learned that I value relationships more than anything. I value friendships above work and goals and getting ahead. And I value others I care about more than myself. That may sound self-righteous, but it has pitfalls. And maybe I've lost the balance. It means I trust too much and sometimes I care too much. That leaves me vulnerable. Vulnerability can lead to heartaches. It means I can get hurt and even punished. It means I am susceptible to being wrong about people. It means I see things so differently and I may not be relating to someone when I think I am. So maybe I'm not in reality at times. I can misjudge someone or some situation. I forgave her in my heart, but our relationship doesn't feel the same.
Yet I know vulnerability is part of being transparent. Being transparent is part of being real with people. Being real with people is part of relational ministry. Relational ministry is part of transforming lives. And I have to be about that.
I'm still trying to get at the final take-away on this experience. All I know now is that it feels empty and leaves me confused. When that happens, I get quiet. I reflect more. I haven't said a lot lately.
When I told her she betrayed me, she told me I ought to learn something from this experience and I did. I learned that I value relationships more than anything. I value friendships above work and goals and getting ahead. And I value others I care about more than myself. That may sound self-righteous, but it has pitfalls. And maybe I've lost the balance. It means I trust too much and sometimes I care too much. That leaves me vulnerable. Vulnerability can lead to heartaches. It means I can get hurt and even punished. It means I am susceptible to being wrong about people. It means I see things so differently and I may not be relating to someone when I think I am. So maybe I'm not in reality at times. I can misjudge someone or some situation. I forgave her in my heart, but our relationship doesn't feel the same.
Yet I know vulnerability is part of being transparent. Being transparent is part of being real with people. Being real with people is part of relational ministry. Relational ministry is part of transforming lives. And I have to be about that.
I'm still trying to get at the final take-away on this experience. All I know now is that it feels empty and leaves me confused. When that happens, I get quiet. I reflect more. I haven't said a lot lately.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Speak English!
Press 1 for English. Press 2 for Spanish.
Nothing chaps my husband more than that simple message. His pretense is that if you're in America, assume it's English! I tend to agree with him. When we go to Paris, no one asks us to press 1 for French and 2 for English. When we're in Guatemala, everything is in Spanish (granted, there's not a lot of pressing of technological buttons in the squalor of poverty). When we're in the Bahamas, we don't get a choice: King's English or Southern?
I was thinking about why we are so protective of our cultures. Why is it so important to "preserve our heritage"? And then God spoke to my heart and told me something I'd never thought of before. English is a temporary language. So is French. So is Spanish.
When we get to heaven, we will forever live in a blended community. I assume we'll have a spiritual language that everyone will be able to understand. We'll be able to communicate with people of every nation and we'll all sing praises together. We'll all understand each other.
The point is, I think it's time to give up our rights to our heritage and culture. It's passing away. It has no long-term significance. It's time to focus on Jesus' prayer concept: "on earth as it is in heaven". We need to be more kingdom-minded in dreaming about a culture where no one is better than anyone else and everyone is precious in the sight of God.
We need to think about what community transformation really looks like. I suspect it will look a lot more like heaven.
Nothing chaps my husband more than that simple message. His pretense is that if you're in America, assume it's English! I tend to agree with him. When we go to Paris, no one asks us to press 1 for French and 2 for English. When we're in Guatemala, everything is in Spanish (granted, there's not a lot of pressing of technological buttons in the squalor of poverty). When we're in the Bahamas, we don't get a choice: King's English or Southern?
I was thinking about why we are so protective of our cultures. Why is it so important to "preserve our heritage"? And then God spoke to my heart and told me something I'd never thought of before. English is a temporary language. So is French. So is Spanish.
When we get to heaven, we will forever live in a blended community. I assume we'll have a spiritual language that everyone will be able to understand. We'll be able to communicate with people of every nation and we'll all sing praises together. We'll all understand each other.
The point is, I think it's time to give up our rights to our heritage and culture. It's passing away. It has no long-term significance. It's time to focus on Jesus' prayer concept: "on earth as it is in heaven". We need to be more kingdom-minded in dreaming about a culture where no one is better than anyone else and everyone is precious in the sight of God.
We need to think about what community transformation really looks like. I suspect it will look a lot more like heaven.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Judith Viorst understood. I doubt she ever had a day like mine, but her book character - Alexander - is at least a child's version of my day on Thursday.
Let's start by saying that my day began with leaving a sick teenager at home. It's so difficult for a mother to leave a sick child - at any age. Work was stressful and somewhat emotional as I shared with a couple of coworkers the changes coming in my job status. I was swamped with work and my emails, phone calls and meetings mounted up all day. I kept asking myself who was going to take care of all of this when I leave and why doesn't the management think it's important? I started worrying about my coworkers and how much more they'd have to do to take over for me and it hurt my heart. I didn't want to be there and I left early, feeling empty and sad.
When I arrived home and checked the mailbox, I discovered a jury duty summons. Great. Just great. I haven't had to do that in years and now that I need to focus on searching for work, I get to hang out at the courthouse for $25 a day. Just an inconvenience that sort of added to the joy of the day.
Then I headed out to a meeting of senior parents at my daughter's high school where I was blessed with receiving a handout of the power point presentation when I entered the auditorium. Then I got to sit and listen to a teacher recite it to me long after I'd already finished reading through it. Nice. If I could have run, I would have. Note to self: next time, pick up the handout and leave. Immediately.
I bolted out before the last slide was off the screen. I had learned that prom tickets are $100, the annual is $80, we have to pay for cap and gowns, graduation announcements and a host of other things someone with no full time job does not want to hear about. The chorus trip next week is $250 and spring break is coming up with expenses for everyone. I felt discouraged , but I was eager to just head home.
That's when I hit the coyote. Yep. On top of everything else, I am a coyote killer. He darted out in front of my car and hit it so hard that I had to fight the steering wheel to hold the car in the road. I realized that moment could have been a lot worse. And then I got home and found out it was. The stupid coyote knocked off a piece of my car!
Yep - I can relate to Alexander. Some days are certainly better than others. But the truth is that none of these things are life-changing. They're just inconveniences we all face. And we all have to learn to cope with the bumps in the road or we will never be able to handle the big things. When I really think about it, the day wasn't earth-shattering. I just dealt with a sick child, struggled at work, discovered I have jury duty, sat through a boring meeting and killed a coyote.
Let's start by saying that my day began with leaving a sick teenager at home. It's so difficult for a mother to leave a sick child - at any age. Work was stressful and somewhat emotional as I shared with a couple of coworkers the changes coming in my job status. I was swamped with work and my emails, phone calls and meetings mounted up all day. I kept asking myself who was going to take care of all of this when I leave and why doesn't the management think it's important? I started worrying about my coworkers and how much more they'd have to do to take over for me and it hurt my heart. I didn't want to be there and I left early, feeling empty and sad.
When I arrived home and checked the mailbox, I discovered a jury duty summons. Great. Just great. I haven't had to do that in years and now that I need to focus on searching for work, I get to hang out at the courthouse for $25 a day. Just an inconvenience that sort of added to the joy of the day.
Then I headed out to a meeting of senior parents at my daughter's high school where I was blessed with receiving a handout of the power point presentation when I entered the auditorium. Then I got to sit and listen to a teacher recite it to me long after I'd already finished reading through it. Nice. If I could have run, I would have. Note to self: next time, pick up the handout and leave. Immediately.
I bolted out before the last slide was off the screen. I had learned that prom tickets are $100, the annual is $80, we have to pay for cap and gowns, graduation announcements and a host of other things someone with no full time job does not want to hear about. The chorus trip next week is $250 and spring break is coming up with expenses for everyone. I felt discouraged , but I was eager to just head home.
That's when I hit the coyote. Yep. On top of everything else, I am a coyote killer. He darted out in front of my car and hit it so hard that I had to fight the steering wheel to hold the car in the road. I realized that moment could have been a lot worse. And then I got home and found out it was. The stupid coyote knocked off a piece of my car!
Yep - I can relate to Alexander. Some days are certainly better than others. But the truth is that none of these things are life-changing. They're just inconveniences we all face. And we all have to learn to cope with the bumps in the road or we will never be able to handle the big things. When I really think about it, the day wasn't earth-shattering. I just dealt with a sick child, struggled at work, discovered I have jury duty, sat through a boring meeting and killed a coyote.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Racing into the Snow
We so seldom see snow here in the sunny South that Wednesday's beautiful, light snow storm was exciting. One minute it wasn't snowing and the next, huge snow flakes poured down on us, blanketing everything quickly and completely. We stood in the window and watched in awe. The yards were covered, the roofs turned white and everything looked peaceful for a few hours. My kids threw snowballs and we laughed and watched them chase each other on the back deck near the pool. But it was so cold.
Our little dog was crying to get out of his crate. He didn't know the temperature has dropped. He didn't know how wet it would be on his tiny feet. He didn't know the outside world had changed. I opened the door of his crate and he bolted for the back door, so eager to go out. I kept saying, "You just don't know what it's like out there!" Yet he strained to get out.
Immediately, God spoke to my heart. "You're just like that little dog sometime. You're all snug and secure in my safe environment, but you want to go bolting out into something that is not good for you. You have no idea what you'll be facing. You want to change your situation because you think there is something better. And sometimes, it's worse and I have you protected from it. Just wait."
That message to my heart slowed me down. It made me think about my quest for a new job and new security. I sensed God telling me to just stay put awhile. Let Him work. Wait for the sun to shine again. Soon the snow will melt.
Our little dog was crying to get out of his crate. He didn't know the temperature has dropped. He didn't know how wet it would be on his tiny feet. He didn't know the outside world had changed. I opened the door of his crate and he bolted for the back door, so eager to go out. I kept saying, "You just don't know what it's like out there!" Yet he strained to get out.
Immediately, God spoke to my heart. "You're just like that little dog sometime. You're all snug and secure in my safe environment, but you want to go bolting out into something that is not good for you. You have no idea what you'll be facing. You want to change your situation because you think there is something better. And sometimes, it's worse and I have you protected from it. Just wait."
That message to my heart slowed me down. It made me think about my quest for a new job and new security. I sensed God telling me to just stay put awhile. Let Him work. Wait for the sun to shine again. Soon the snow will melt.
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